


Cross My Heart

by GiraffesAndDietPepsi



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Author Projecting onto Connor Murphy, Bisexual Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Bisexual Evan Hansen, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, M/M, Sad Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Soft Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GiraffesAndDietPepsi/pseuds/GiraffesAndDietPepsi
Summary: Connor has a hard holiday with his family, and he talks about it with Evan.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	Cross My Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to preface this with the fact that I don't hate Larry or Cynthia. In most of my stories they do not get this treatment, but they are not great people in this story. They are only mentioned though.

Connor had been silent for nearly an hour. He had shown up at Evan’s house thirty minutes until midnight on Thanksgiving without warning. Connor had been silent for an hour, and Evan was worried.

Evan knows that Connor hadn’t been excited to have Thanksgiving at his grandparents’ house with his large extended family. He knows how much Connor had been dreading it, but he had hoped it had gone well because Connor had been radio silent all day.

Obviously, it had not.

Evan had been working on an essay that’s due the Tuesday they get back from Fall Break when Connor had made an appearance outside his house. After pulling the door open, Connor had just fallen into his boyfriend’s arms without a greeting, and Evan had pulled Connor to his bedroom where Connor had wrapped himself around Evan like an octopus. 

Evan has been running his hand through Connor’s hair until he’s ready to talk about what had upset him. He knows that the best way to get Connor to open up to him is to wait patiently. Evan is not a patient person. His mind is constantly running through the worst possible things that can happen, and he generally likes to calm his spiraling as best he can. But he can be patient if that’s what Connor needs him to be.

A little over an hour after he had shown up, Connor moves his head from the crook of Evan’s neck. Evan kisses Connor’s forehead and looks him in the eyes. “Hey,” Connor finally greets him.

“Hi,” Evan replies. The two sit up in the bed and face each other. He thinks that since Connor has finally spoken he’s okay to ask, “Do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to if you don’t want to obviously, but I hate seeing you upset.”

Connor takes a moment to think about Evan’s question before responding, “So you know how I’m not out to my parents or really any of my family except Zoe?” 

Evan nods.

“Well the main reason I haven’t told them I’m bisexual is because of how they treat my cousin Ashley.”

“Who’s Ashley?”

“She’s my mom’s sister’s daughter. Growing up I wasn’t exposed to anything in the LGBTQ community until my mom told me that Ashley had come out as bi when I was twelve. I didn’t even know liking boys was an option until my mom explained to me about Ashley. You know I’ve grown up in a very Christian house. My mom explained it to me like it was wrong to like people the same gender as you. I didn’t really know any better at that point, so I went along with it. I hate that I did, but it was all I really knew about it. After coming out as bi, Ashley went on to come out as gay. In our sophomore year of high school, she came out as trans.”

Evan’s eyes widen. He had met Connor’s parents as Connor’s best friend; he doesn’t think they would have taken her coming out well.

Connor swallows before continuing, “Ashley is her birth name, and she prefers that name. Growing up we called her Ash though because Ashley was ‘too girly’ for a boy to be. My parents still call her that, and they misgender her all the time. It’s also important to note that everyone at that stupid fucking lunch and subsequent dinner was referring to her as a man.” Connor chokes.

Evan takes Connor’s hand in his own. “Hey. You don’t need to tell me this.”

Connor shakes his head at him, “No, I need you to know. I need you to understand.”

Evan wipes a tear from Connor’s cheek before nodding to tell Connor to continue his story.

“So Ashley and her mom obviously didn’t stay very long. They left after lunch and a little bit of small talk. They needed to get out of there, but it’s always worse once they leave. You know I get along with my family better now, but there is only so much blatant and disgusting bigotry I can take sometimes.”

Evan looks at Connor in the eyes, “Did you yell at them?”

“No.”

Evan kisses the hand he’s still holding, “Then you’re fine. I know you are trying to have a better relationship with your family, and it sucks that you have to stay quiet about this while you still live with them. I’m proud of you for not blowing up on them even though you were angry.”

A small smile makes its way onto Connor’s face. It’s not a full smile, and Evan can tell there’s more to what Connor wants to say. “What else did they say?”

“It’s not so much any one thing that they said after that, but the number of times they used the f-slur was blatantly horrific. You know that I get that gross feeling in my stomach when people use it. I know my dad uses it all the time, but hearing so many people use it was just awful. I asked them to stop using it, and they asked me why I was being so defensive. These people claim to be Christian, yet all they project toward the gay community is hate. You know how much I’ve struggled with my sexuality over the years because I was raised in that church. The Christian teaching is showing love for others, and my family using their religion to hate others makes me want to leave the religion.”

Evan knows all of this. Connor and he had become friends their senior year of high school, and they were now sophomores in college. He had seen Connor struggle with this. He had been surprised when Connor had told him he’s Christian. Connor didn’t really fit the mold of someone who would be religious. In Evan's opinion, he seemed like he would be a skeptic. Connor had explained that, while he found it hard to believe something that truly seemed impossible, it gave him hope. He liked that it taught to love people.

“It hurts hearing people I love use demeaning words that could easily be used about me.”

Evan pulls Connor back to him at those words. Evan hates how hurt Connor is by this. He hates it. Evan can’t do anything but comfort Connor.

They’re silent for a few minutes, Evan just holding Connor. 

“Do you want to stay tonight?” Evan breaks the silence.

Evan feels Connor nod against his chest.

“Okay.” Evan lays them back down with Connor’s head on Evan’s chest.

Connor throws an arm over Evan’s middle. “I love you.”

Evan kisses Connor’s head before responding, “I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is just me complaining about my family through Connor. Like this is me just straight up projecting. I generally try to leave religion out of my writing, but I just needed to share this story. If your family has discriminated against you because of their religion, you can talk to me.
> 
> Using religion to justify homophobia or transphobia is disgusting, and people need to stop normalizing it. It is also incredibly damaging to people who grow up in that environment.
> 
> Please tell me what you thought. I know this is heavy and talks about religion, which can be a sensitive topic. 
> 
> I recently got a Tumblr with the same username.
> 
> Title from "Cross Your Heart" by Marianas Trench


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